Tuning into Your Body During Stressful Times
Recently my fiancé said, "It's a good thing we have a large plate." In a week and a half I'm embarking on a vacation to meet his seven brothers and sisters and their families for the first time, moving ninety miles east less than a week after we return to a town we've visited once, planning our wedding in the spring, defending my psyche against intrusive work crews who pound, sand and drill seven days a week in the house two feet from my residence, trying to finish a memoir, and yesterday I learned that my landlord died suddenly and while being shocked I'm also worried about getting our rent deposit back. Forget the plate, I need a huge bowl!
No matter who you are, no matter where you live, more than likely you have a myriad of responsibilities and, "have tos" that cause you to feel pressured. It's easy to identify external stress such as noise, pollution, traffic, lighting, overcrowding, work environment, computers and life changes. And many of us know that poor diet, physical strain, lack of exercise, too much exercise, rushing, conflict, unhappy relationships and sexual frustration cause internal stress. But while I'm currently experiencing big changes it's often the daily annoyances and decisions that bother us most. The decisions and circumstances we have to make everyday can add to the burden of our already full plate, especially around the holidays.
An approach - avoidance conundrum occurs when we want and don't want something at the same time, like that extra sweet desert or even traveling to see loved ones yet having to wait in long airport lines and sit in cramped areas for hours to do so. When we have two or more good choices, such as trying to find that perfect gift for someone, and try to imagine the outcome before we choose we experience an approach - approach bind. A "no win" situation or avoidance-avoidance dilemma arises when we're faced with two or more outcomes neither of which appeals to us and we try to escape or procrastinate through sleep, substances or physical or mental exertion. Avoidance - approach quandaries develop when we feel that when we get close we can't control ourselves such as not stopping with one drink or overspending once we begin shopping. And there are the circumstances that occur everyday where we have to decide quickly, such as driving in congested traffic or deciding on a last minute meal at the grocery store at the end of a harried day, that present double or multiple approach - avoidance puzzles where all choices have appeal or all have disadvantages.
How Does Stress Manifest in the Body
I've often envied two-year olds who throw themselves down on the ground anywhere and kick, scream and cry. If we adults could do that we probably wouldn't feel any stress. We'd have an emotion, react to it, then get over it. But we adults, are too, well, adult for that. Instead, we swallow our feelings, rationalize injustices and think our way into acceptable behavior at great detriment to our bodies. Long before I could identify that I was stressed, I just knew that sometimes it felt like my breath stuck in my throat and in the middle of the night when I awoke to use the bathroom, my shoulders were spooning my ears. Recently I've been able to associate intense headaches with feeling pressured and all my nerve endings tingling like jolts of electric current as the fight or flight response to anxiety. It's taken me many years to learn that repetitive body aches usually indicate what kind of stress I'm experiencing; when my left hand aches, I tune in to my inner child who's fearful and when I hold pain in my mid or upper back, I now know I'm worried about finances. Besides these physical sensations I've mentioned, your physiological response to stress might include but not be limited to a quickened heart rate, muscle twitching, lethargy, nausea, sweating, clearing your throat, bowel changes or weight gain or loss.
Tune Into Your Body
The dichotomy of being under stress is that it's the most important time to listen to what your body is telling you but it's also the hardest time to do so. Like a cockroach scurrying from the light, my brain felt so chaotic recently I could feel my stomach growling for food but I kept putting off eating. I even had a joyful glimmer that if I continued to ignore my body, I might lose a few pounds. But my journey to Self Appeal has been arduous and through experiential learning I've begrudgingly accepted what keeps me feeling well. I needed healthy fuel. I finally forced myself to slow down long enough to eat my standard breakfast of fruit, bran, yogurt and take my vitamins -- at lunchtime. I would have stressed myself more if I hadn't consumed anything or eaten quick junk food.
The key to minimizing the affects of stress to your body is to become aware of yourself. Over the last ten years I've written about everything from my dreams to how I was feeling before, during and after I've eaten. I've learned the discipline of writing in a journal to understand experiences and feelings and release stress and pent up emotions. At twenty-six when I left my husband my right arm started going numb on the weekends when I was alone and frightened. If I'd have known then that the physical act of writing longhand would help me sort through emotions, I might have avoided extensive medical tests and the scare of multiple sclerosis before the doctors informed me it was merely stress. In your journal you might start with whether you're doing anything out of the ordinary or if your body habits are suddenly different. Has anything in your life changed recently? Are you excessively cold or hot when thinking of or interacting with someone? Do your feet itch and want to run or is your hand making a fist when you talk to certain people or think about specific situations? Do you feel light and rejuvenated or old and tired and if so, when? Do you not feel anything at all? Is your body numb? Do you have food cravings and if so what and when? Are there patterns to your actions, body sensations, feelings and cravings? For years I gorged myself on ice cream and sugary food in the evenings until it was pointed out to me that perhaps I was lonely and wanted the sweetness of human connection instead of food.
If you have a meditative practice already you know how to sit quietly but if you don't you can try spending quiet time with yourself simply for five minutes each day. Sit in a comfortable chair, close your eyes and repeat, "my feet feel __________," filling in the blank. Then work your way up your body. "My lower legs feel …," "my knees feel …," "my upper legs feel ,,,". While you're journaling or sitting quietly you might hear a little voice inside your head that's authentic to you, instead of a, "should," "have to," or "supposed to," which are restrictive superego voices. My little voice is loudest when I first wake up, sometimes it even wakes me up, and is more often than not one word or phrase that repeats. If you hear this, write the phrase or word in your journal and allow yourself the time to see where it leads you through writing quick unedited thoughts intended solely for yourself.
If you're having a hard time tuning in to your body you might try soliciting help. Does someone close to you notice you sitting, standing or behaving in certain ways that indicate anxiety you're not aware of? And notice your interactions with people. If you're unsure of your feelings others can be good mirrors. During an angry, unhappy period in my life it seemed that everyone I came into contact with was hostile and combative; the checkout clerk at the drug store, other drivers, family members on the phone. I finally realized they were reflecting parts of me and once I explored my anger and resentment and became happier, the people in my life grew more pleasant too.
Release Stress
Releasing stress and calming yourself in stressful situations is going to be as unique to every person as is their DNA, but if you listen to your body it will tell you which habits are beneficial to you and direct you to let go of the ones that aren't. I love sleeping late but my body works better if I have a few hours to wake up slowly so if I have an early appointment I've learned to set my alarm instead of rush around frantically at the last minute. Initially this change caused me anxiety but because my body felt so much better my mind soon let go of its stubborn need to hang onto its old ways and accepted this new way of being. Our tendency is to put simple pleasures aside when we're overbusy but these are exactly the times we need to keep the habits, connections to others and activities that ground, nourish and define who we are. Even though I haven't meditated for over two weeks now because of the noise next door, I still sit in front of my red Chinese altar for a couple minutes and say a quick prayer. My mind and body have learned through repetition to be calm and rest in that space. Your restful space may be taking time for your morning paper or spending one hour a week with a friend. Meditation and journaling will help you stop in the middle of the stressful times and forge deeper connections to your body but if you're resistant to these suggestions, don't judge or criticize yourself, just be aware of your resistance. The first step is to become aware of everything about yourself even if it's simply that you're resistant. Listen to your body, move it gently yet regularly, and rest when you're tired.
While its okay to get help noticing you're stressed, take responsibility for reducing your own stress. Voice requests, set boundaries and realize you have choices. By simply changing, "I want to," or, "need to," to "I choose to," you empower yourself and eliminate feeling like a victim. If you're experiencing approach avoidance conflicts, visualize yourself carrying through with each action in question and determine how you feel afterwards to make your best choice. Surrender to your circumstances and adjust your expectations. During this tumultuous time I'd been berating myself for not continuing with my memoir but I had so many responsibilities that I eventually became thankful for the many diverse obligations that didn't require great concentration. Let go of perfection and unrealistic fears, and learn to ask for and accept help. My old habit of doing everything myself is so firmly ingrained that when a friend offered to make invitations for a going away party I automatically said that since I was already making invitations for the wedding, I could handle a few more. At Joe's insistence though I realized I was robbing her of an opportunity to be creative as well as a helpful friend and was typical of my need for control and perfection. I called her back, graciously accepted her help and breathed a little easier because it was one less thing on my plate. Look for little ways to give your mind relief. Movies distract us and can help release emotions so if you're feeling blocked or anxious watch a movie that helps you relax, laugh or even cry. Look for the blessings and appreciate the simple moments that bring respite and joy like a child or pet that needs attention and hugs. Focus on your successes, not your failures and .be patient with yourself. Change doesn’t happen overnight. And most of all have fun, keep humor alive and don’t take yourself too seriously.
Joe and I are moving 90 miles east because he's taken a new job and will be working from home. Recently he needed to make copies of multiple papers and I, of course, said he could use my copy machine. I wanted to show him how to feed the machine multiple pages at a time, and he wanted me to just tell him how to do it. I became more adamant about showing him as he became more adamant about being told. Finally he blurted, red faced, "I want to do it myself. I learn by doing!" I saw in my man a little boy who would soon throw a tantrum. I stared at him vehemently and threw all the papers on the ground. Then I picked them up, thrust them at him and said, "Okay, do it!" Much to my satisfaction one of the papers stuck in the feeder. I pulled them all out, repositioned them, showed him the proper way, then left the room. Half an hour later, after not speaking for that time, he crawled into bed next to me, gave a smile and cuddled close. I smiled too. "You looked just like a little kid," I laughed. "Oh and you didn't," he asked, "throwing the papers on the floor?" We busted up laughing. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we adults get to throw tantrums too.
©2007, Susan Bremer
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Copyright (c) 2007, Susan Bremer, All Rights Reserved.
Self Appeal® Coach & DVD Producer of The Art of Sensual Dance
Susan Bremer is currently writing From Sex Appeal to Self Appeal
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