Maintain Strength While Being Soft
Recently I saw a picture of Madonna in the local newspaper who at the age of fifty is back on tour. Her arms were sculpted, biceps and surface veins protruding. My first reaction was to envy her and be jealous that she has money to pay personal trainers and free time to exercise so rigorously, but after the picture rested in my mind for a while, I realized her arms looked masculine and that even as a mother in middle age, she hasn’t softened. And I identified with her external hardness, because my tough outer shell used to represent my internal rigidity.
At twenty-seven I’d just gone through an uncontested though nasty divorce and perceived the world as hostile. Unconsciously I felt I needed to protect myself, like an animal in the wild, and began exercising fanatically. I was afraid and vulnerable but my physical exterior hid this - even from myself. I looked strong and tough. Also the shape of my body was one thing I could control in an uncertain world.
I spent hours at the gym hefting weights and stepping like a crazy woman. If I didn’t exercise daily, I felt my entire body softened like overripe peaches and my imperfections, therefore vulnerabilities, were magnified. When I put myself on display as an exotic dancer, exercising seemed to be a job requirement necessary to compete with women half my age even though there were many who were much softer than I and very sexy.
My liberation began while making the Sensual Dance Video. It was the women in my video who gave me permission to be more female-like and supple. Sonja’s declaration that she stood in front of the mirror each morning, naked, and proclaimed to herself, “I am beautiful,” helped me to relax, and Gwen’s statement that she used to spend hours at the gym, but it was exhausting so she decided she’d, “rather have a (stomach) pooch and be happy,” has always struck a chord of genius with me.
Also, not long after this period I became so physically drained from work, video editing and exercise that I was getting sick all the time so my exertive routine became less frequent, at times even nonexistent. It was only after not exercising regularly for about four years that I was able to take an objective approach, analyze my past and realize that the vigorous workout I’d once adhered to actually was a detriment to my body. I’d repeatedly pushed myself beyond physical limitations to feel in control and look perfect. I didn’t give myself ample time to rest and recover.
This self analysis then prompted another realization. My newly formed inner strength gained along my Self Appeal Journey helped me relax and be confident displaying a more tender, smoother physical image. I didn’t need the rock-like shell anymore because I didn’t need to protect myself from the outside world. My ego wasn’t as fragile as it once was and my superego wasn’t punishing.
By nature a woman's body is developed to protect her and a potential fetus. As a result, women have more enzymes for storing fat and fewer enzymes for burning fat. Additionally, the estrogen women have activates fat storing enzymes and causes them to multiply. Today my legs are softer, my butt more cellulite riddled but my life has expanded beyond all-consuming thoughts of my appearance. Plus, I don’t want to use all my energy for exercising. While I now walk three times a week and occasionally stretch and use small weights at home for health reasons, my life is full of friends, family and passion in love and work.
Just like the tiny spider’s fine silk whose tensile strength is so much greater than the same weight of steel, I’ve learned there can be strength in being soft. My strength today lies not in a hard protective covering but in my ability to set boundaries, speak up for myself, laugh at my mistakes, relax with my imperfections, say, “I’m sorry,” be sensitive to others needs as well as my own and allow that sensitivity to be witnessed through emotion.
Occasionally I may envy Madonna’s wealth, we're living in an economically unstable time, and I won’t be so arrogant as to think I could begin to know what her thoughts are, but, if there are any, unconscious or conscious, that drive her rugged exterior, I know from personal experience these will undermine your body, mind and even soul.
©2008, Susan Bremer
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Copyright (c) 2008, Susan Bremer, All Rights Reserved.
Self Appeal® Coach & DVD Producer of The Art of Sensual Dance
Susan Bremer is currently writing From Sex Appeal to Self Appeal
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