Building Self Appeal Through the Years
In February I met a woman whose skin was clear and smooth, her smile infectious. When she informed me her fortieth birthday was coming soon, I was surprised. She told me she was changing careers and had just finished esthetician’s school so I gushed, “Perhaps you can help me with skin care and makeup. I’m getting married in three months and want to look perfect.”
I thought about this over the next few weeks and I realized that I not only wanted to look perfect, I wanted to look twenty-one again. At that age my body was naturally toned without exercising or eating properly, and my skin was wrinkle free.
When I finally connected with my new friend, Lani, she let me know that antioxidants, the buzzword for food, was now present in face products and essential for my skin. She told me I needed to apply face primer to fill in pores and lines before applying makeup and Joe joked that he had a whole bucket full of the stuff in the garage that probably cost the same amount as my teeny tiny, but cute, bottle. Lani and I spent hours at cosmetic counters matching makeup shades with my skin tone and testing products with provocative names like ‘sexy sweep’.
“Brighten, tighten and lighten. A BLT without the calories.” The fresh-faced specialist said decisively as she demonstrated an under-eye repair product. We burst into laughter. It was charming, just like the heavily made up twenty-year-old standing in front of me, and a little ridiculous which made it more fun.
“Brighten, tighten and lighten,” I repeated for the first time, but certainly not the last.
I felt ‘girly’ and to my surprise, in contrast to the jealousy and insecurity I anticipated feeling surrounded by tight undamaged skin that dominated the cosmetics section of Macys, I enjoyed myself.
And I realized something. These girls who I thought I would feel self-conscious around and envy because of my aging skin and body, didn’t have any advantage over me. They were inexperienced and naïve. They had hard life lessons to learn and hearts that would be broken. By the very nature of their youth they had an unconsciousness that motivated their actions and reactions like mine had at their age. My twenties and thirties were fraught with mistakes in relationships, poor financial decisions and downright difficult times. I had a core belief then that I wasn’t good enough and though I’ve always been naturally slim, I had body dysmorphia and bulimic tendencies. I lived in a restrictive/consumptive self-destructive cycle and was self-sabotaging.
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Just three weeks after our wedding, my husband and I moved into our new home. It’s older, built in 1957, and one of the reasons we chose it over newer homes is because we like the established neighborhood with massive trees that provide shade in the summer yet obligingly lose their leaves in the winter to let the warmth of the sun in. They offer texture to the neighborhood, a strong safe foundation of roots deep within the earth and when looking at them I feel grounded. And our home has charming quirks and character like the original light fixture in the kitchen, faux brick on one of the dining nook walls and an angled fireplace in the living room that a few have commented keep it from looking “boxy”.
Similarly, the bodies we are born with and live in are our homes. We will be in them always and we have experiences that define our lives and grow our character. And though basically similar, they are all unique. But many of us abandon, neglect, disrespect and even punish ourselves because our brains tell us our bodies and experiences are not what they “should” be. We want newer, different, better. We admire in nature what we do not admire in our own nature – growth and maturity.
Like long ago carved letters in a tree trunk that exist for the life of the tree, we too have marks, some visible, some not, that mold, shape and stay with us our entire life. They’ll either make us stronger or weaker depending how we choose to view them. I have a scar on my lower lip that is a physical reminder of dancing to Steppenwolf’s Born to Be Wild in thigh high leather boots and a motorcycle jacket on a stage, losing my balance, then careening off and hitting my face on the cement floor. This scar not only reminds me of this accident but also my first and only riding lesson the weekend previous when I crashed the bike and hurt my leg and the very cute but emotionally disturbed man I was dating at the time. Because I chose to explore the chain of events and circumstances of my life after being rushed to the hospital that night, this mark has become not only the texture of my body but also the weave of my life that I grew stronger from; facts I could explore and use to begin to grow roots of my own understanding and self knowledge. Similarly, our bodies compensate. I have a misshapen pinky finger that was dislocated from a baseball accident when I was eighteen. The nail on that finger grows stronger than all my other nails.
Remodeling
On our initial look at this house for sale we saw worn outdated carpeting in the kitchen and bathroom and bumpy blue carpet throughout the rest of the house. The sinks and tub were stained, the kitchen faucet leaked continually and the outdated windows sometimes opened, sometimes didn’t. But our initial feel was comfort so we looked past what we deemed undesirable and found treasures; a luxurious deep bathtub, unique decorative trim in the kitchen, an expansive two-car garage big enough for extra storage and real hardwood floors underneath the faded carpeting. We chose to focus on the treasures. We were aware of and accepted what kind of shape the house was in presently and knew that we could move in and slowly, with time and attention to detail, work to repair and remodel to make lasting changes that feel good for us.
What shape you’re in today is what shape you’re in today and you cannot change that. But with time and consistent persistence you can do some realistic remodeling. What is it that you need to remodel within yourself and what needs updating the most? Is it simply your attitude? What are you focusing on about yourself today? Are you choosing to focus on your external flaws instead of internal treasures? Are you living with idealized outdated expectations of yourself?
Produce Green Energy, Not Green with Envy Energy
There’s a new reality series on television, She’s Got the Look, that I don’t watch (I refuse to watch any reality TV) but the concept rankles me because it perpetuates and reinforces competition between women. Granted, on the one hand it’s awesome for older women (in this case thirty-five plus) to be shown as beautiful, but it is still competition based on external attributes. And it also bothers me because when confronted with this idea, I have to admit there is a part of me that wants to be the most beautiful. I don’t like this about myself, but it’s there. The competitive thread runs deep within our female DNA perpetuated by biology, history and culture. And it’s in that competition, therefore comparison with others, that we either don’t measure up, or we excel. In either instance this gives us a false sense of who we are based not on how we feel about ourselves but on how we perceive others see us. When we’re feeling less confident, worthy or beautiful than someone else or even better than them in these areas, our energy is based on rejection of them or ourselves and is negative. Just like the push to be more earth friendly with green energy or what some refer to as clean energy sources, energy that is produced and used in ways that produce less air pollution and other environmental impacts, we can work to produce clean or positive energy within ourselves. Whatever energy we produce within is what we resonate with and attract back to us so if we want positive energy from those in our life, we have to produce it first within ourselves.
The questions we need to be asking ourselves aren’t, “How do I compare to this woman,” but, “Does what I’m doing feel good and happy for me?” “Does this give me energy or does this zap my energy?” Do you feel you need to be perfect? If you do, determine where that thought comes from and work to eliminate it. There are no magic cures, no perfection as advertising, marketing and plastic surgeons would have you believe. We need to define our own beauty based on how we feel and if we’re enjoying life. An awful lot of energy is needed and wasted to stay stuck in the past and in bodies we reject. In this respect we create our own body pollution.
Building Your Foundation
In my twenties I remember thinking, “in the year 2000 I’ll be forty,” and it was so far in the future I couldn’t imagine it. When it finally happened I really thought my life was over. At that time I was dating someone I wasn’t really interested in because I felt like I was growing older and running out of time. I was settling. But a month after my birthday I did something I’d always wanted to do -- skydive. I loved it! The exhilaration I felt from having a dream and pursuing it was one of the most empowering experiences of my life. I bought the video. And did it again! This time on the two-hour drive home I said out loud to myself, “If I can jump out of a perfectly good plane at 14,000 feet in the air, I CAN do anything.” I’d chosen to jump and I could choose other ways of being in life as well. My life wasn’t over. My love life could change if I chose it to just like anything could change. The problem hadn’t been my age, it had been my thinking.
Just like our home that’s built on a raised wood foundation where we can get underneath and crawl around to inspect the plumbing, phone and television cable lines, each of us can examine our support structure and scrutinize our foundation of beliefs. What is your foundation built on? What are your beliefs about aging, bodies, life pleasures? And how are you supported? Are you supported? Who do you have in your life that can balance your reality? And if there isn’t anyone, how can you find someone?
Home Protection
We’re not going to level our house and build from scratch, we have a good foundation, but we need to continue maintenance to protect what we already have. The paint on our home is old and faded and in the future we’ll repaint with some vibrant colors that look fresh and new and that will also serve to protect the wood. We’ll weather strip and put insulation in and on areas we feel need better protection from the natural elements of rain, wind, cold and heat. If we take care of our home it will shelter us and last for a very long time.
Just as we must protect our property against weathering so must we protect our bodies and our skin. With Lani’s help and with more attention to how I feel, I now know that my skin is nourished and hydrated best with specific moisturizers and I’ll continue the process of applying sunscreen to guard against damaging sun exposure. And just like the internal alarm systems on the market today that protect the contents of your home, we have internal systems that tell us when something is wrong. I know that certain foods and the time of day they’re eaten sustain my energy and keep my body working well. Other foods and/or the quantity and time they’re eaten, affect and impair my physical and emotional self.
Recently I was tired and wanted to eat a big bowl of popcorn and watch a movie at 3 o’clock on a Thursday afternoon. This is what I’d done when I was single. My husband wouldn’t be home until late evening therefore I had no set schedule to adhere to. As I thought about it more fully though, I realized that this was my way of escaping my fatigue and impending loneliness. I would miss Joe and our usual dinnertime. I also knew my body well enough to know that eating a large bowl of popcorn by myself, while temporarily tasting good on my lips, would freeze my bowels up and I’d be uncomfortable for days. With this clarification around my motivations I decided I wanted to feel good in my body more than I wanted to escape my loneliness and fatigue and also that if I was going to have the movie/popcorn experience, which my inner child loves, I wanted to do it with my husband. It was more fun with two and I didn’t eat as much. I decided to read a book instead.
What are you doing to pamper your skin and your psyche for the you you are today? How are you protecting and caring for your body from the outside in? From the inside out? What are your motivations for eating what you’re eating? Does the food give you energy or take your energy, enthusiasm for and desire to participate in life away?
Aging is inevitable. How we choose to approach it determines our quality and enjoyment. What makes us beautiful is not how we look to others, but how we look at ourselves, which translates to how we look at others. The people in our lives are mirrors for how we feel about ourselves and will reflect our thoughts and actions back to us. If we find the beauty in ourselves, we look for and find the beauty in them and they in turn see the beauty in us. This is what will keep you beautiful no matter what age.
For positive growth and maturity we have to break old habits. Turn off the TV. Quit reading glamour magazines that splash undernourished youth on the pages. Form and pursue your own interests and hobbies. Create your own ideas about pleasure. Delete people from your life who perpetuate the, “youth is king” mentality that undermines your acceptance of who you are today. If you’re overweight from a sedentary lifestyle, getting away from the TV and doing even something as simple as walking (that’s all I currently do) will help your mental attitude and help your body feel good. We have to determine what works for us and then really, really, really let go of what outside influences tell us we “should” have, do or be. Our view on what’s important to a happy fulfilled life has to change as we age; our priorities have to shift away from excessive focus on how we look to a constant focus on how we feel.
I’ve been blessed with some wonderful women in my life who voice their acceptance and even enthusiasm with aging. One friend talks about the wonderful paper-thin skin that emerges on really old women and delights in our future walks together as old women. And another says she’s going to grow old gracefully yet arm herself with the education and practices that will care for herself well into her golden years; nutrition, skin care, exercise, positive outlook. And I have been privileged to work with hundreds of women who would never succeed in a modeling competition set by today’s standards, but who are truly beautiful when you get to know them, talk with them, laugh with them. And laughter is so important. A smile worn on any face fills the face with youth, pulls up the facial muscles and brightens every room.
Last year I met a man who is eighty-eight. He looks very old. I called him recently to ask how he was, “I’m not buying green bananas,” he joked as usual. I choose to live my life like this – happy – laughing -- joyful that I’m alive. I don’t really want to live in a perpetual state of youth. I’d rather wear my imperfections on the outside and rejoice in a healthier sense of self and confidence on the inside. I’d rather think of myself as having wisdom lines and choose to be a role model for aging gracefully and with confidence and style. I have often said that I plan to live to be one hundred. I know I will. Whatever we can imagine we can live. I plan to be very old, very wrinkly and very wise. This is what I choose. And this makes me smile.
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On my wedding day happiness was the key to my day of glowing as, may I dare say it, a middle-age bride. My waist was bigger than it had once been. My hair was shorter. My face more lined. But I was getting married to someone a few years older than I who had his own waist and lines. We’d lived our lives separately then together, and we had the wisdom of those years that overcompensated for any tight pecs or smooth skin. And along with my bouquet I carried within my heart the mystery of a life still to come, the magic of love and the fulfillment of a dream. The maturity of my years had allowed me to fully explore the only home I truly did own, my body and my brain. I was being connected to a partner who accepted and loved me for who I am because every day I strive to be aware of, understand, accept and approve of myself exactly the way I am today.
©2008, Susan Bremer
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Copyright (c) 2008, Susan Bremer, All Rights Reserved.
Self Appeal® Coach & DVD Producer of The Art of Sensual Dance
Susan Bremer is currently writing From Sex Appeal to Self Appeal
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