Get the Love and Intimacy You Crave
I used to believe Hollywood’s depiction of love and intimacy: attraction, passion, longing, tension. I imagined myself as Susie Diamond, Michelle Pfeiffer’s character in The Fabulous Baker Boys, and her sensuality and independence titillated my memory especially when I thought of the tension between her and Jack, an emotionally unavailable piano player. “Yes, Yes, go get him,” I used to think when Susie tried to connect with Jack after they had one passionate evening together, but recently I watched the 1989 movie again and this time found Susie’s attempt sad and a waste of energy. Today I’m in a long-term relationship and know true love of the mind, body, and spirit, connection with a soul mate if you will, doesn’t have to be a tug of war. Lasting, fulfilling, nurturing love relationships can deepen and grow without tension, hesitancy, and separation. But you do need intimacy.
Emotional and Physical Intimacy
People throw the word intimacy around often to refer to sexual relations between two people but the definition of intimacy involves closeness, familiarity, friendship, private, and cozy as well as intercourse. Ideally, with a long-term partner you want emotional as well as physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy can lead to fulfilling sexual intimacy and physical intimacy can lead to deeper emotional intimacy, but simply being with a partner doesn’t mean you have either. The unfortunate dichotomy for people in long-term relationships is that while they have great opportunity for intimacy, they also have equal opportunity for complacency. It’s important to seriously ask yourself what kind of relationship you want. While in today’s world it’s generally accepted to have only physical intimacy (people have ‘friend’s with benefits’ or make ‘booty calls’) we humans usually partner hoping for more than mere sex.
Develop Intimacy Skills Whether You’re in a Relationship or Not
You don’t have to be in a relationship to develop intimacy skills. Matter of fact, building the relationship with one’s self is the first step to nurturing and building healthy intimacy with a partner. Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1967 by Martin Luther King, Jr., writes in Teachings on Love, "'Knowing Thyself’ is the first practice of love.” Being aware of and understanding yourself takes courage and is a platform for positive self regard, acceptance and support of one’s self. Trusting yourself enough to honestly examine your thoughts, actions, reactions and motivations fosters self knowledge and is necessary to set boundaries and take actions that you approve of. Doing this successfully grounds you in who you are and helps you feel safe and relaxed. You’re then able to attract like-minded individuals and have a greater chance of initiating and continuing a positive cycle of respect, love and intimacy with one person. And while it’s common to tune out with iPods and computers, engaging only in written word communication, you’ll want to hone your in-person communication skills whether you’re in a love relationship or not. In one-on-one encounters of any kind you need to be able to express yourself clearly and really hear what others say.
Now, with all this said, if you’re already in a long-term relationship and just beginning your self-discovery journey it will help your existing relationship. As you work to become more intimate with yourself you’ll model that and encourage your partner. You can learn and grow your intimacy with yourself in tandem with your love relationship as long as you both have the next two ingredients: willingness and desire.
Most human minds are wired to want emotional intimacy but it’s just as natural to want to avoid pain. The closer we get to someone the greater our chance for being hurt. While you may be willing to be intimate with someone, you might not be aware of how your mind can work against you trying to protect yourself. This is where having and continuing to explore self knowledge helps tremendously but you also have to be willing to understand your partner’s needs, even understand why he or she has those needs. Quoting Thich Nhat Hanh again, "Without understanding, love can't be true love."
And we need good role models. An unfortunate trend today is that of putting one another down as humor and entertainment. Talent, reality shows, and sitcoms are rife with negative comebacks, shaming attitudes, and downright mean interactions between people who supposedly love each other. When we do this within our relationships it makes the other person defensive and doesn’t allow them to relax. They won’t allow themselves to be vulnerable (a key component of developing intimacy) if they can’t or don’t trust we have their best interest at heart. Without trust, intimacy is blocked. It might sound old fashioned but one way to foster intimacy is to observe the golden rule, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Kind words, loving actions, and a sincere "I’m sorry” go a long way to keep intimacy alive.
Your Mind, Body and Spirit Work Together
Mind and Body
For emotional as well as physical intimacy to flourish your body has to be able to relax and your mind has to associate touch with trust and pleasure. If you’ve been a victim of any kind of abuse it will affect your ability to trust and relax and professional help may be needed to move past the trauma. Once you’ve healed or begin to heal (if there’s true love, your partner can be a big help with this) it will still be hard to enjoy physical intimacy if your mind or body isn’t willing, yet they can work together and lead one another.
If your mind knows you love your partner and wants closeness yet your body isn’t in the mood—yet—your mind can lead your body till your libido kicks in. Some women complain about low libido and if this is a chronic issue, you should consult a physician, but sometimes we’re simply tired or our sexual needs aren’t being met so we’re uninterested. We have to look at why we’re tired or unfulfilled sexually. Examine what’s really important in your life and use that as a gauge to help you prioritize. Is your physical connection with your partner important? Be honest. If it is, do you need to ask for help with other tasks or can you let some things go? Have you been open to communicating your sexual needs and hearing your partners? Many women, due to cultural obsessions and modern-day images, have distorted messages about how beautiful their bodies are to their partners, and some, because of inhibitions and repression, may not know what feels pleasurable. Others may not know how to communicate what feels pleasurable or may not think they deserve to feel unrestrained bliss. If any of this is true for you, gather support through books or experts who can help you overcome these blocks to intimacy. You have to know what’s going on with you before you can communicate that to your partner, and your partner wants and needs to know. The emotional intimacy with your partner will help create the space where you can talk about your body.
On the other hand, occasionally your mind might feel your libido kick in yet rationalize that the time isn’t right. In this case, let your body lead your mind away from your “shoulds” or tasks at hand. Don’t do this to the detriment of other household members such as children and not with impropriety like right in the middle of the grocery store, but do allow yourself to acknowledge then act on your body’s need for touch and pleasure. While you may think the dishes have to be done, or some other household chore is necessary, in the grand scheme of life it doesn’t have to be done right now. As my husband likes to remind me, “There will always be something to do. “
Body
Sex starts in the mind but your body must have energy. You only get one body and it, you, deserve to feel and experience all the pleasures of healthy scrumptious food in moderation, exercise to enliven your cells, and sexual release to satiate your entire being—mind, body and spirit. If you’re not energetic and unwilling to address why, not only are you exhibiting a lack of respect for yourself, you’re also disrespecting your partner. If you feel your fatigue or lack of desire could be a medical problem or you’ve been sedentary for a long time and are now motivated to get moving, consult a physician. Then get active with your partner. Find things you enjoy doing together. This will not only benefit your body but will help build your emotional intimacy as well!
Spirit and Mind
While your mind needs to approve of who you are, who your partner is and what you do together, emotionally as well as physically, your spirit has to know what the intimate connection means for you. Do you concern yourself with pleasing your partner or merely yourself? Is sensuality and sexuality positive for you? Do you gain energy from being with your partner or is your emotional connection filled with resentments, miscommunication, anger or hurt feelings and your physical intimacy filled with expectations and unfulfilled requests? This is where having the courage to honestly evaluate your role in the relationship and your ability to communicate clearly will aid your spirit—it wants to give love as well as receive love.
The Free Gift Guaranteed to Grow Your Intimacy
I wrote this piece because a reader asked me how to keep intimacy alive within a long-term relationship. She may have been looking for sensually playful specifics, but I figured the best place to start with intimacy is to begin with the basics. I will offer one tip though—spend time. Time is free and it doesn’t age, fade, break or go out of style. It takes time to get to know someone and it takes time to be emotionally as well as physically close. Conversation with a partner can become filled with daily responsibilities and sex with a partner can become routine and predictable, but if you have desire and are willing to honor your commitment and remember what brought you together in the first place, you’ll eagerly find time and energy to be connected. You have to make the decision to keep your own emotional and physical passion alive. It’s validating and exciting to work through difficulties and experience joys with one person. And when you make time, unwrap your partner like a shiny present with the curiosity of a child. While it’s always okay for quick play and conversation, long-term relationships guarantee you don’t have to get it all out in one brief encounter like Susie and Jack. Savor your partner’s words and body slowly—like a rich chunk of chocolate or a luscious Hershey’s Kiss melting in your mouth.
©2010, Susan Bremer
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Copyright (c) 2010, Susan Bremer, All Rights Reserved.
Self Appeal® Coach & DVD Producer of The Art of Sensual Dance
Susan Bremer is currently writing From Sex Appeal to Self Appeal
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Susan Bremer-O'Neill
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